Exercise 1: Pick out at least one and as many as three of your deadliest Dating Patterns. In your journal write out several real-life examples of a relationship that exemplified the pattern. Tell each story with: (a) a beginning that describes your partner and how you came together; (b) a middle that describes how the relationship worked when you were together; and (c) how it all ended.
The Dating Pattern that sticks out to me from my last relationship is the Abuse Recycle. I met Charles while going to school and he had been in a couple of my classes. He usually sat in the back and was sometimes quiet, sometimes a smart ass and others the class clown. I liked him because he was different, funny and smart. I started sitting next to him and we flirted and finally exchanged numbers and started dating. He didn't make a lot of money so we rarely went out and usually stayed home at my place. He never took me to his place, because he was embarrassed to show me; he rented an old barn/garage that had been converted into an apartment. He never met any of my friends, family nor I his and our main mode of communication with me was via text messaging. Many times texts would get lost, misconstrued but generally was the cause of another fight for us. He often said that I deserved better and would find ways to push me away. Other times it was like he was looking for me to "prove" my affection for him and constantly reaffirm that I genuinely cared about and wanted to be with him. After several too many break-ups/get-back-togethers I finally decided I needed to put my foot down and break it off for good; I realized I was unhappy. A couple months later after I decided that he came back full force with sincere apologies and ways to make our relatonship better if I would give him another chance...and I did. Things were good he finally met my friends and family, but after about a month or so we fell back into the same rut and I finally decided this is it and ended it for good. The only way I could keep it over was to stop communicating with him and that meant not responding to his calls, texts and emails. I still hear from him periodically after two years and part of me thinks maybe it's been long enough to at least have a conversation and be civil, but then I look at how far I've come and decide I don't want to risk getting sucked back in...
The Hermit used to be another dating pattern for me; particularly after I broke up with Charles. Even after ending my relationship with him, I was still unhappy and it wasn't until I tried dating again about six months later that I realized how unhappy and disgusted I really was with myself. I let myself go and was stuck in a rut. And as they say when it rains it pours and the next thing that happened is I got busted with a DUI. The good news is that it helped me turn my life around; when I lost my license and had to start walking and talking public transportation I realized how out of shape I really was and decided to make some changes. I ate healthier, tracked my calories and started working out and over the course of one winter lost 30 pounds! This is when I embraced a new, active lifestyle. I joined meetup.com and got involved with a couple really great groups where I've met some great people and made lots of new friends. So I can happily say this is one I identified and broke out of on my own!
The Not Perfect-I'll Pass dating pattern is one I identify with...but, don't you need to have a set of standards? If a guy my ages still lives with his parents, can't hold down a job, etc. why would I even want to give him a chance? I don't look for defects per say, but if I don't feel any chemistry than it's usually not worth pursuing because there just isn't any interest. In the past I even tried to go out with someone where I didn't feel the chemistry and it just didn't feel right. However, I am trying to be a little more open since I've started participating with online dating. In fact, one guy I met we seemed to hit it off well; the weird thing is I don't feel the "fireworks" chemistry that I have with other guys, yet I still like him and am interested in seeing him again. So we'll see what happens...
There is another deadly dating pattern that I've been known to pull in my time....the Chase Me deadly dating pattern. The book says this one is about fear and prior to my last relationship I was really good at either pulling back or running away altogether if someone showed any interest in me. Part of it was fear; I was scared to get close to anyone and didn't want to get hurt. I also had this mentality that since I was ambivalent about them and not sure if I really liked them that I didn't want to lead them on; so I'd pull back. This is another pattern I've realized on my own and addressed...this one kick started my adventure to face my fears over the last year, because as it turns out you really don't have anything to be scared about as you first thought! Anyway, when I realized this fear was holding me back from potential relationships I knew I had to let it go and jump in with both feet with the next guy. I did...and I loved and lost, but it was an incredible learning experience because it felt wonderful to really give my all and let go of my fears. It still hurt like hell when it ended since it was essentially one of the first times I had really opened myself up in quite a long time, but I moved on. I look back and have no regrets. They call it cliche for a reason, but the saying "It's better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all" really is true. It's part of living life and if you look through your past to how many relationships you've "survived" you'll realize that you can get through it so why not give it your all and enjoy it while you can?
And last, but not least the Grass is Greener and the Safety Net deadly dating patterns are hand in hand with my next example. There is this guy that I've been friends with and I know he likes me, but I'm sure he likes me more than I like him. He's a really nice guy and I enjoy his company and even thought about possibly dating him. Since then I have gone out on a couple dates with him and when he kissed me I didn't feel anything. I feel comfortable and enjoy spending time with him so it's easy to accept dates especially if I don't have plans or frankly am tired of meeting online guys (which can be frustratingly exhausting). And I have to admit I have caught myself once or twice noticing if he flirts with another woman, to which I just brush off.
So the reason I classify this as the Grass is Greener dating pattern too is because I do like him and thought to myself I would go out with him if he asked (before he finally did), but I wonder if I did go with the flow and keep dating him and then what if someone else came along that totally knocked my socks off and made me realize that's what I'm really looking for?
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