Men can be just as difficult as women to figure out...hence they have the same issues and fears that we do! However, they manifest in different ways; good news is they're easily identifiable in what is called the Men's Deadly Dating Patterns (MDDP). If you can start identifying these patterns then it's easier to understand it's about him and his issues and not you; you should be able to clearly see when it's time to stay and work on a relationship or when it's time to cut your losses and go...
These are the 16 most common MDDPs based on personality type and some are easier to overcome than others:
1. The Shy Guy - too afraid to make the first move and leaves you wondering if he's interested. You have nothing to lose by making the first move and if he responds positively, you might bring him out.
2. The Geek - difference between the shy guy and the geek is the geek can be argumentative; taking the opposite perspective on any topic to show how much smarter he is than everyone else. Make a move on him and see if he is interested; he might be able to learn some social skills from you and develop into a great partner.
3. The Savior - he's a super duper care-taker; Mr. Fix-It. He is always trying to be helpful and can't stand it if he fails and you are still feeling down or upset. If he can learn to detach from you and focus on himself and his needs the relationship might work.
4. The Coward - It starts out great, but over time he makes you the boss, always asking what you want instead of saying what he wants. He is afraid of conflict and prefers email or texts when dealing with uncomfortable issues. You might be able to work things out in this relationship depending on how willing he is to respond to positive shaping talk, where you present your concerns in a warm, loving way.
5. Burnt Toast - endlessly complaining about other women in his past; you should try only if he knows he has burnt toast issues and working on giving up his cynicism...and you are patient!
6. The Peter Pan - he is afraid of growing up and taking on "adult" responsbilities. One variation is the mama's boy...you should move on from this guy unless he is working on his separation issues and becoming more mature and you have the patience.
7. The New Ager - he is very spiritual and new "agey" and there is either no chemistry whatsoever so nothing ever happens or he's too eager to explore tantra and other sexual practices, who's actually a closet player! Don't waste your time unless he becomes "enlightened" and decided to make room for a relationship.
8. The Trophy Seeker - this is a narcissistic guy who shows off his power by spending it wildly on you with grand gestures, however, you end up being viewed as one of his possessions. He is very into himself, his possessions and his status or appearance to others. This relationship depends on how into himself the guy is and if money and security are more important to you than a close, emotionally intimate relationship then it could work out...
9. The Commitment Phobe - It starts out perfectly enough, but as months pass and you start thinking he's the one and as soon as the "F" word rears it's ugly head (as in future) he changes the subject, gets quiet, nervous or upset. Intense therapy is required for this guy if you choose to stick it out; be prepared to wait five years or longer...
10. The Grass is Greener - He is the calculating type that can't make up his mind. He's either never been in a long term relationship or hasn't been in one for years. Usually this guy is not really into you, because he is mortally terrified of settling and missing out on "somebody better."
11. The Flame Out - he catches you up in a whirlwind of romance and passion that spins you out of control and into bed before you can even think about what is happening. Stay on the program of three and resist the temptation to be a moth to his flame.
12. The Slacker - He is not getting anywhere in life and not trying anything new to get around that central problem. Unless he has clearly started to do some meaningful growth work, you cannot rescue this guy. No, not even you.
13. Not Perfect - I'll Pass - This is guy is supercritical and judgmental and looking for your fatal flaw. He always finds faults with any woman he dates and when it comes to describing his ex you can hear how picky he really is. Pass on this type.
14. The Alcoholic - He needs his booze to relax and he insists on eating only at places that serve alcohol. You will not win the war against booze. Best to move on unless he is firmly in recovery and has been for years.
15. The Player - The player thinks with his lower head and just wants to score, period. They are experts when it comes to bedding women and accomplished at being cocky and funny. Even though he talks love to you it somehow feels like a politician's spin. Get out ASAP.
16. The Prick - Starts out great, seems powerful, sure of himself and cocky. As you get to know him, you come to realize he is quick-tempered and mean, especially when he can get away with it. He is extremely judgmental about you and one-ups you all the time. In a longer term relationship he may threaten you phyically. One variation is the guy who is overly possessive; he is jealous and insecure. Don't take chances with your emotional and physical well-being with this guy! Make a clever and safe exit as soon as possible.
Remember if a guys is showing serious signs of one or more of these patterns and unwilling to work on himself, move on and save yourself a great deal of pain and aggravation. Many of these guys who are caught in these patterns are perfectly willing to endure a difficult or on-off again relationship for years! So even if you are crazy about him or feel he's the one, if a guy is hanging onto one of those self-sabotaging patterns and makes no moves to break through his dating games and fears, go cold turkey, cut off all contact and move on to other guys quickly! There are good guys out there. Repeat: there are good guys out there.
The best part about this chapter...no homework!! Till next week...
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