Chp 2 - Exercise 1

Exercise 1: Pick out at least one and as many as three of your deadliest Dating Patterns. In your journal write out several real-life examples of a relationship that exemplified the pattern. Tell each story with: (a) a beginning that describes your partner and how you came together; (b) a middle that describes how the relationship worked when you were together; and (c) how it all ended.

The Dating Pattern that sticks out to me from my last relationship is the Abuse Recycle. I met Charles while going to school and he had been in a couple of my classes. He usually sat in the back and was sometimes quiet, sometimes a smart ass and others the class clown. I liked him because he was different, funny and smart. I started sitting next to him and we flirted and finally exchanged numbers and started dating. He didn't make a lot of money so we rarely went out and usually stayed home at my place. He never took me to his place, because he was embarrassed to show me; he rented an old barn/garage that had been converted into an apartment. He never met any of my friends, family nor I his and our main mode of communication with me was via text messaging. Many times texts would get lost, misconstrued but generally was the cause of another fight for us. He often said that I deserved better and would find ways to push me away. Other times it was like he was looking for me to "prove" my affection for him and constantly reaffirm that I genuinely cared about and wanted to be with him.  After several too many break-ups/get-back-togethers I finally decided I needed to put my foot down and break it off for good; I realized I was unhappy. A couple months later after I decided that he came back full force with sincere apologies and ways to make our relatonship better if I would give him another chance...and I did. Things were good he finally met my friends and family, but after about a month or so we fell back into the same rut and I finally decided this is it and ended it for good. The only way I could keep it over was to stop communicating with him and that meant not responding to his calls, texts and emails. I still hear from him periodically after two years and part of me thinks maybe it's been long enough to at least have a conversation and be civil, but then I look at how far I've come and decide I don't want to risk getting sucked back in...

The Hermit used to be another dating pattern for me; particularly after I broke up with Charles. Even after ending my relationship with him, I was still unhappy and it wasn't until I tried dating again about six months later that I realized how unhappy and disgusted I really was with myself.  I let myself go and was stuck in a rut.  And as they say when it rains it pours and the next thing that happened is I got busted with a DUI.  The good news is that it helped me turn my life around; when I lost my license and had to start walking and talking public transportation I realized how out of shape I really was and decided to make some changes.  I ate healthier, tracked my calories and started working out and over the course of one winter lost 30 pounds! This is when I embraced a new, active lifestyle. I joined meetup.com and got involved with a couple really great groups where I've met some great people and made lots of new friends. So I can happily say this is one I identified and broke out of on my own!

The Not Perfect-I'll Pass dating pattern is one I identify with...but, don't you need to have a set of standards? If a guy my ages still lives with his parents, can't hold down a job, etc. why would I even want to give him a chance? I don't look for defects per say, but if I don't feel any chemistry than it's usually not worth pursuing because there just isn't any interest. In the past I even tried to go out with someone where I didn't feel the chemistry and it just didn't feel right. However, I am trying to be a little more open since I've started participating with online dating. In fact, one guy I met we seemed to hit it off well; the weird thing is I don't feel the "fireworks" chemistry that I have with other guys, yet I still like him and am interested in seeing him again. So we'll see what happens...

There is another deadly dating pattern that I've been known to pull in my time....the Chase Me deadly dating pattern. The book says this one is about fear and prior to my last relationship I was really good at either pulling back or running away altogether if someone showed any interest in me.  Part of it was fear; I was scared to get close to anyone and didn't want to get hurt. I also had this mentality that since I was ambivalent about them and not sure if I really liked them that I didn't want to lead them on; so I'd pull back. This is another pattern I've realized on my own and addressed...this one kick started my adventure to face my fears over the last year, because as it turns out you really don't have anything to be scared about as you first thought! Anyway, when I realized this fear was holding me back from potential relationships I knew I had to let it go and jump in with both feet with the next guy.  I did...and I loved and lost, but it was an incredible learning experience because it felt wonderful to really give my all and let go of my fears.  It still hurt like hell when it ended since it was essentially one of the first times I had really opened myself up in quite a long time, but I moved on. I look back and have no regrets. They call it cliche for a reason, but the saying "It's better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all" really is true. It's part of living life and if you look through your past to how many relationships you've "survived" you'll realize that you can get through it so why not give it your all and enjoy it while you can?

And last, but not least the Grass is Greener and the Safety Net deadly dating patterns are hand in hand with my next example. There is this guy that I've been friends with and I know he likes me, but I'm sure he likes me more than I like him. He's a really nice guy and I enjoy his company and even thought about possibly dating him. Since then I have gone out on a couple dates with him and when he kissed me I didn't feel anything. I feel comfortable and enjoy spending time with him so it's easy to accept dates especially if I don't have plans or frankly am tired of meeting online guys (which can be frustratingly exhausting). And I have to admit I have caught myself once or twice noticing if he flirts with another woman, to which I just brush off.

So the reason I classify this as the Grass is Greener dating pattern too is because I do like him and thought to myself I would go out with him if he asked (before he finally did), but I wonder if I did go with the flow and keep dating him and then what if someone else came along that totally knocked my socks off and made me realize that's what I'm really looking for?

Chp 2 - The Deadly Dating Patterns

"We all have bad habits. They may be self-sabotating ways you think about yourself, men or relationships. Others are dysfunctional ways of dating or being in a couple. Our negative beliefs and behaviors reinforce each other and together create the Deadly Dating Patterns."

The author came up with what she calls the 13 Deadly Dating Patterns, which are ways we are ruining our potential relationships.  It is common to be stuck in more than one deadly dating pattern, however, there is hope!  Once you identify which ones are your patterns she offers advice on how to break free...

1 - The Flame Out - You meet a guy, there's lots of sparks and he says all the right things! You talk for hours, he tells you how amazing you are and you spend a glorious weekend together and then....nothing; you never hear from him again.  (The girls in my circle call these guys "poofers.")
     Flame Out warning sign: He is intimate, adoring and irresistible from day one and you feel out of control, like an addict who craves her fix: Him!

2 - The Fantasy Relationship - You are crazy about and intensely focused on a man who really has no romantic interest in you.
     Fantasy Relationship warning sign: Deep down you feel empty, sad and-if you are honest-angry, rejected and heartbroken by your so-called partner.

3 - Crumbs - You are involved with a guy (typically someone who is married or a hot, irresistible player) who sees you occasionally and only when it works in his schedule.
     Crumbs warning sign: Your partner is always making it up to you for time spent away, holidays missed or being with another woman.

4 - The Hermit - You're too busy.  You spend all your time working, doing errands, walking the dog that by the time you get home all you want to do is stay home and watch TV.
     Hermit warning sign: You get more pleasure out of watching a romantic comedy by yourself or with your friends than actually flirting with guys or going out on dates.

5 - I'll Make You Love Me - You're turned on by the challenge of winning a guy over; you do everything you think he wants without accounting for your own needs and desires.
     I'll Make You Love Me warning sign: while you try to hide it, you feel bored, unhappy or annoyed by something almost all of the time that you spend with your partner.

6 - Abuse Recycle - Usually this starts out great; you meet a fabulous guy then down the road you find out he's unbelievably controlling, paranoid or just plain mean.
     Abuse Recycle warning sign: you are in a downward spiral where you feel worse and worse about yourself the longer you are with this guy.

7 - The Safety Net - This is when a guy is totally crazy about you and you really think he's not good enough for you in one way or another...whether it's he's too nerdy, ugly, unsuccesful, etc. but you start seeing him, because you think he'll never leave you.
     The Safety Net warning sign: you only notice how hot your safety net could be when he is talking or flirting with another girl at a party.

8 - Not Perfect-I'll Pass - You quickly dismiss guys based on various defects such as he's too cynical, has bad teeth or he wore a pink shirt. The truth is you don't really give any of them a chance; no one is good enough.
     Not Perfect-I'll Pass warning sign: you keep wondering why a woman like you who has so much going for her is single and alone.

9 - Chase Me - You meet a guy and everything is unfolding perfectly; too perfectly...then you find yourself running away while secretly hoping he'll chase after you.
     Chase Me warning sign: you love him, you hate him, you just don't give a shit - and you can't stop yourself from acting bitchy or distant.

10 - Fade Away - You finally get yourself out there and start dating, but for some reason you never hear back from them after the initial date. You're driving guys away with subtle verbal or nonverbal signals.
     Fade Away warning sign: On dates you're not being spontaneous, quirky or real like you are when you hang out with your close friends.

11 - Jealousy Trap - When you're dating a guy and you get jealous of other women showing any kind of interest or affection and you drag the relationship downhill with your paranoid thinking, sulking and jabbing accusations.
     Jealousy Trap warning sign: your thoughts always stray to the other woman and what your guy is really doing or wants to do with her; you feel tense and irritable.

12 - Just Buddies - You have no problem meeting guys, but you're treated like one of the guys and play love counselor for them as they pine for another girl.
     Just Buddies warning sign: getting dressed up and beautiful for a date makes you feel truly strange and uncomfortable, like you're not being the real you.

13 - The Grass is Greener - You meet guys with potential, but have a hard time settling down or choosing because you're worried you'll miss out on something better that may come along.
     Grass is Greener warning sign: You are constantly thinking, thinking, thinking-analyzing your boyfriend and comparing him to an imagined or real guy who seems to be so much better.

Chapter 1 Homework

I'm making progress on my homework assignments...first one was to sign up for two classes and thanks to your overwhelming responses of ideas when asked (can you hear the sarcasm?) I did finally find something...I've been interested in learning more about investing and finally found a lifetime learning course up at the U titled "Investment strategies for a lifetime." I should at least get some good finance tips out of this one if I don't find any other prospects...I never thought night college courses were a good place to meet guys anyway, because back when I was getting my Associates Degree I was taking night classes since I was working during the day and all the guys at that time were married, had families and fitting in school to help support them.  But we'll give it another try...it has been a few years since I've been to college...haha.

That class doesn't start until the beginning of March and I do need to find another class...didn't have much luck finding something else interesting I can do!  There was a rock climbing class I'd be down for, but I don't think that's a good idea right now while I'm still in physical therapy...

The second homework assignment of finding three new men to say hello to every day has been going well.  I pretty much get a return 'hello' and smile back; but I did get approached from one of the band members from this live band playing at the Rainbow Casino Friday night.  He asked me if I was single and when I replied I was, he told me I didn't give off a single vibe. What exactly does that mean?!?  Just because I wasn't falling down drunk and screaming 'I'm easy'?!?

Hope everyone has a great Superbowl and enjoys their parties!  Go Steelers!!

Chapter 1

The first chapter equates looking for love to looking for a new job.  If you lost your job you would spend the majority of your time looking for a new job by working on your resume, hunting down new leads in the newspaper or online, networking, job fairs...anything to help you reach your goal!  Her point is you need to prioritize finding love first on your list as you would with any other goal you're working towards.

During my first month this book is suppose to teach me to recognize my deadly dating patterns, master the dating program of three and use the powerhouse secrets of successful online dating (I could really use the help there...)

She suggests forming a team love group, but I think I'm ahead of the game already since I started this with a group of girlfriends!  I already have four exercises and a homework assignment after completing the first chapter:

     1. Exercise 1 - The right time to believe in love...in your notebook divide up a blank page; write no, not now on the left side and yes, now on the right side. Say the sentence this is the right time to believe in love over and over and then write reasons why it is or is not in each column.                                                        

• I know this sounds hokey, but I at least did it in my head and quite frankly I really can't come up with any serious reasons for the no, not now column....except maybe how messy my house is and I wouldn't want to bring someone home to see that!

     2. Exercise 2 - How do you spend your time? The example used was from one of her students who broke down her 168 hour work week and couldn't account for 16 hours of her time.  So the idea is to pay attention to how you spend all your time in a week to figure out how much time you really squander away...time that could be better served working towards this program! (Of course she would say that...I'd probably spend that extra time out on the slopes if I could ski this year!)  This exercise is designed to confront your time wasters such as talking on the phone, playing with your blackberry, watching TV, aimlessly shopping, isolating yourself through work or other means, blogging...

• While I'm busy documenting how I spend my time during an entire week I'll continue on with the other exercises...

     3. Excercise 3 - Goals - Included in the book is a complete list of ten goals of the course; pick out the goals you want to meet and the approximate date for meeting them:

• Create an exciting love intention or affirmation
• Create greater self-esteem, deservedness and self-love
• Break out of deadly dating patterns and create a successful dating program of three
• Move up the ladder to better men
• Meet someone who has tremendous potential for a love relationship with you and graduate from the program of three
• Declare love for each other
• Talk seriously with your beloved about what each of you needs and wants in a fulfilling love relationship
• Creating a loving win-win contract that gives each of you roots (stability and dedication) and wings (fulfilling your dreams)
• Commit to moving in together or getting engaged to your beloved
• Marry or make a lifetime commitment to live out your dreams together

I think the first five sound like pretty good goals to me and I hope to complete them within this 90 day period that I should be able to find love....

     4. Exercise 4 - The contract....there is actually a copy of the contract in the book to help commit yourself to this program.  Need I say more?

And finally I come to the homework section...I need to sign up for two ongoing classes or activities that interests me and have lots of men in them.  Some examples given were investing, rock climbing, golfing, coed city sports, etc.  She even suggested to check into meetup.com; I'm already involved with that, but maybe I should look into some different groups.  Habitat for Humanity was also mentioned and it just so happens I signed up for a meetup where they are doing the habitat for humanity next month!  I have been wanting to check out those poker games hosted at a couple local bars around town and I'm told there's tons of men there; I think that would be a good start!  Anyone have any other suggestions?

Homework assignment number 2: Find and say hello to three new men every day.  That could prove to be a bit difficult if I happen to not go out for one evening, but let's see how that goes...

Homework assignment number 3 - Find or create a fun event for this week that exposes you to a whole new network of people, preferably a network with a lot of men.  Does my concert in Wendover count?  I'm heading out Friday night to see Blue Oyster Cult and Foghat and will be spending the night...there was a suggestion to volunteer for a pet adoption day at the park that sounds interesting; I really should volunteer more...

And finally the last homework assignment is to date online; this one is in the bag since I just joined a couple sites a few weeks ago.  Yeah!  One assignment down...three more to go!  

Wow...that's a lot for one chapter?!?  Here goes nothing....

Love in 90 days

For those of you just joining for the first time this idea was conspired through a "thread" of girl talk about guys, dating, relationships and looking for advice from each other.  During all this it came up that one of us had a book titled "Love in 90 days." She offered to loan the book out to one of us to read and work the program, and in return we would keep everyone posted with step by step updates.  So two of us volunteered to read and work the program and hence this blog was born to share the experience.